I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
