I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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