Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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