I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
