he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
