You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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