As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
