sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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