I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
