home. puking in laundry basket.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
