Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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