One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
