i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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