I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize