Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i drank out of a bidet.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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