If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
