my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
