I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
