I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
