Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
