ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
