just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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