I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
