if i can run in heels then i can drive
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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