i was born a porn star she said
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
