You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
