Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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