Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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