between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
