I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
