i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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