Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
