She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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