My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
