no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
