I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize