Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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