yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
