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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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