ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
