What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
