My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
