I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
