Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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