Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
