Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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