I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
