I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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