if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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