I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Everyone says I win the strip club
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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