I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize