There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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