I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
