Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
