mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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