I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
