So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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