Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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